Monday, December 17, 2012

My Angel

We have had an outpouring of love from family and friends. I have been reminded of how many people love and support us. Our house has been flooded with food, flowers and gifts. I have received so many cards, phone calls and text that have been so meaningful to me.
One day I ate lunch standing up because I was tired of trying to find an open spot at the table or counter top from all of the flowers. Fresh flowers filled our rooms and kitchen. Our fridge and freezer are both full of food that people have brought over. This is really a treat for my husband because I'm not big on cooking :) I even started freezing cookies because we had more sweets than should be allowed in one house (and because one day I ate 7 cookies!) especially for someone who has baby weight to loose.


We have also received so many thoughtful gifts with special meanings behind them.
 We got a glass angel Christmas ornament in honor of Francis.
 Every year when we decorate our tree we can celebrate our sweet baby.
(I decided not to put up a tree this year.
I began decorating our house the day before my miscarriage and decided I didn't want to continue)

A Heart

I love the saying on it!!

And my husband gave me a beautiful diamond cross necklace

My parents and sisters have also ordered Tommy and I jewelry in memory of Francis that I will share once it comes in.

Poems and music have also helped me during this time. I have been very angry, but I am healing and trying to focus on the good. My baby never had to suffer through this world. I also feel honored that God choose me to give my grandparents a great grand baby, in heaven. I know my baby is so loved in heaven. I look forward to the day my family can be whole again.

I love these poems and quotes.
They help put into words my emotions of the past three weeks.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Francis L. Ostrom

I started writing this blog at the beginning of the year because I have a friend who every year has her blog made into a book. I like that I can look back over the year and see what my family did but more importantly I like that my son will be able to look back and have a little journal. It is for that reason I am writing our beautiful baby number 2 story. The story is long and detailed because I don't want to forget a single detail.
 I want John Thomas to know how much we love Francis.

I always knew I wanted more than one child. I grew up with two sisters so I thought I would have three children. My husband already had one son when we were married so I thought we would have two more. I wanted John Thomas to grow up with a brother or sister. My step-son is 17 years old and an amazing big brother but unfortunately we don't get to see him as much as we would like to. When he is with JT he is the best big brother my son could ever want. He plays with him, carries him around and even puts up with his toddler behavior, which can be a lot to ask for from a teenage boy :) JT loves Tommy. He points to him in pictures and says bro (working on brother or sometimes it sounds like bubba), when we facetime John Thomas will kiss the IPad bye bye. No doubt he loves his big brother. We felt like it was time to give him a little brother or sister to share the everyday laughing, loving, fighting, etc moments with.
John Thomas was born during January which is a really busy time for husband with his work. We prayed about the timing of this baby to be born and started trying.
I got pregnant the first month! I was SO excited! Perfect timing. I knew right away I was pregnant. The week before Labor Day I felt different. I could not recover from my workouts like normal. I was so sore and so tired. I went on a run with my step son and really struggled the entire time, I had just ran with him a couple weeks before and it was tough but good. I told my husband the last time I felt like this was when I was pregnant with JT. I took a pregnancy test but it was negative (I was only three weeks pregnant at the time) I waited a few more days and got a faint positive, waited two more days a positive. YAY!!!
 The baby would be born in May 12 (Mother's Day) which is ideal for a basketball coach. I was also meeting my family in New Mexico so I would be able to tell them in person. I would find out the gender right before Christmas so I would be able to do a gender revealing party when I was home for Christmas. My step son is the first person we told and he was truly excited, which says a lot about a teenage boy.
At 5 weeks I began having the normal (for me) pregnancy symptoms, feeling nauseous all day and really tired. Week 7 began the vomiting. At the time I decided I would never be pregnant again. How do people handle two kids while feeling this sick??
I had my first doctors appointment and scheduled an ultra sound a few days later. I went to have the ultra sound knowing I was 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant. The lady who did my ultra sound showed me a perfect sweet baby. However she told me I was measuring 7 weeks and 2 days. I thought that was wrong because I was pretty certain I had been tracking my cycle but also knowing me I'm not the most detailed person in the world so I thought I could be wrong but felt strongly that I was not.
I could not wait to tell everyone. I had pregnancy brain bad! Showing up at doctor appointments in the afternoon when my appointment was that morning (and had been confirmed the day before!), forgetting the tracks I was teaching in my group fitness's classes during the middle of class (in front of 25 people). My belly started sticking out a little around week 6 and by week 9 there was no hiding I was pregnant. I was sick, changing my diet to grill cheese, fries and broccoli and cheese soup. Only drinking gatorade or tea. Water even made me sick.
At my second dr's appointment I heard that sweet heartbeat that warms your whole body. I had a baby inside of me! Our second child, my son's little brother or sister. I spent countless hours on the internet shopping for cribs, double strollers, big brother shirts, looking at outfits for either my sons to match or coordinate boy and girl outfits. I spent time in one of our spare bedrooms mentally arranging my baby furniture. I prayed for this baby everyday!! My ladies prayer group was praying for this baby. I monitored my heart rate, I didn't drink coffee, I napped with my son everyday, I took my vitamins, I did everything I knew to do.
My sister asked me for a picture at 14 weeks and I told her I felt like my belly was finally starting to slow down. I was not getting sick anymore and felt great. So glad to be done with my first trimester, time to enjoy the pregnancy :)
Friday night I was laying in bed, I ask God for me to feel the baby move. I believe as moms until that baby is in your arms you stay a little nervous your entire pregnancy. That is the good part about being sick or feeling the baby move you know everything is ok. I felt my baby move so much! Not normal movement for this stage of the pregnancy. It felt like little elbows, knees, hands going everywhere and probably lasted about 30 seconds. My husband was out to dinner with a couple of friends and I sent him a text telling him how much the baby moved and how much I love that feeling!!! Looking back I believe it was God giving me a little something to remember Francis by.
Saturday morning I woke up and felt fine. Got ready to go teach a spin class and ran to the bathroom one last time before walking out the door. That is when I saw just a little bit of dark blood. I yelled for Tommy, he told me to call the doctor but not to worry because a little blood was not a big deal. I was freaking out, I never saw a spot of blood during my first pregnancy. I called the doctor and they told me to come in. I was scared but never thought something big could actually be wrong. I prayed, I called my family asked them to pray.
When we got to the hospital they began looking for the baby's heartbeat. It took a little while but the nurse found it. I started crying tears of joy and thanking God. She wanted to find it again to get a good reading but was having trouble finding it a second time. They told me not to worry. They also examined me and found more old blood but said my cervix was closed so everything looked good. Then the nurse told me doctor wanted to do an ultra sound just to see the baby but I had nothing to worry about then we could go home. The doctor came in to do the ultra sound, she stood in front of the screen some so I really could not see the screen ( looking back I assumed this was on purpose) after a little while she still had not said anything so I asked "does everything look ok" that's when it happened. She said the baby is not moving and I don't see a heartbeat. My whole world feel apart in those words. I felt like I feel into a black whole and someone ripped my heart out of my chest. I was then told that it was an older machine and she was going to send me downstairs to have a better ultra sound. I don't know what exactly happened after that but I know the doctor came back to the room and said she would do another ultra sound while we were waiting on the better machine. During the second ultra sound she said the baby had moved from where it was during the first ultra sound so there was hope. We were moved to a private room and I remember going to the bathroom falling to the ground and begging/pleading for God to let me keep my baby. I had just read John Thomas the Bible story where Jesus bring the little girl back to life. I begged God to please perform that miracle on me. I cried, begged then I felt numb. Tommy and I prayed, texted people to pray,had the hospital Chaplin come pray with us and waited for the next ultra sound. I did not want to have another one. I did not want my worst fears confirmed. I don't really remember going downstairs, I don't remember her telling us our baby had not made it, I don't remember going back to the room. I do remember being told our options.
Tommy and I cried and talked about our options. We decided I would be induced the following morning at 6am. We left the hospital. Our good friends from Kentucky came and picked up John Thomas for his first time to spend the night away from home. Neither Tommy or I slept much that night.
We got up about 5am (I had been up since 2:30) to go to the hospital. I did not want to go, I so wanted to keep my baby!! I started cramping a lot while I was getting ready and on the way to the hospital I started bleeding. It completely shocked me because other than the little blood I had the morning before there had been no blood. When we arrived at the hospital Tommy pulled up to the entrance to let me out. As soon as I got out of the car it felt like my water broke, the exact same way it did with John Thomas except instead of water it was blood, all blood everywhere. Tommy ran in the hospital to get someone and they took me straight to a room and began changing my clothes and hooking me up to an IV. I was in labor. I was 16 weeks pregnant. We arrived at the hospital at about 6:10 and I delivered my sweet angel baby at 6:35am. It was the worst experience of my life. I cried, I remember screaming Why? Why was this happening? I wanted my body to stop. I wanted my baby to stay inside me, to grow, to develop. I already had a future planned with my child. It was heartbreaking.
After I delivered our baby I asked to see it. The nurse asked a couple times if I was sure and I knew that is what I wanted and Tommy did too. Our baby was so tiny and so perfect. A perfect little body, face, eyes, nose, chin, arms, legs, ten little fingers.
The doctor was just making it in the room at this time and she started examining me to see if I had delivered the placenta as well. When she started examining me she started pulling out handfuls of blood cots. I was then rushed to the operating room to do a D&C to remove the placenta and stop the bleeding. All I remember is being wheeled into the operating room, crying and waking up in the recovery room, crying. Tommy came to the recovery room and a nurse brought our baby to the recovery room. Our baby was wheeled into the room in a newborn crib like all the other babies with a tiny little hat, booties and blankets. New born pictures had already been taken for us. The rest of the day is kinda of a blur. We spent the whole day with our baby, our priest came and did a blessing for our baby, we were given stacks of paperwork, books for local funeral homes, a social worker to see us, our nurse cried with me and listened while I cried all day. Tommy and I decided to have our baby cremated and keep the urn with us. The funeral home was called and arrangements were made. The most important part was Tommy and I got to hold our sweet angel stayed in our arms.
The next few days are a blur. Francis L. Ostrom was born on Sunday November 25, 2012. On November 30 (my birthday) we were able to pick up Francis from the funeral home and have our family together under one roof.
My mother flew in on Sunday (the day Francis was born) and stayed a week. She was such a blessing because I could not function for the first few days. My dad then came for almost a week too. Each day gets a little easier but in know the holidays will be tough. Christmas will be exactly one month since we lost our baby so I am not looking forward to Christmas at all!! Mother's Day should have been my babies birthday so I know that won't be a good day either. Thankfully I have John Thomas, he has been my saving grace through everything.
I don't know how to close this other than asking for prayers for my family. Thank you