Monday, February 25, 2013


Today is three months since I went into labor and delivered Francis. Time does help you heal but so often I wonder how much time will it take me to heal? I thought it would be a lot easier by now and in some ways it is but so many ways it is not. I still question God everyday and tell God I forgive him (like I have a reason to be mad since I am so blessed and he knows what is best for my life). Many days I have this overwhelming sadness that makes you feel so alone. I feel like I'm the only one that remembers my baby. (I know this isn't true but no one can understand what a mother goes through)
One of the instructors at the gym where I teach is due two weeks before my due date, to see her getting bigger makes me so sad for myself. I want to be happy for all my friends having babies and finding out they are expecting but it is so hard right now.  I wish there was an easy button, a way to know how to move forward.
The hospital took newborn pictures and I haven't looked at them since I came home from the hospital. I want to but I'm scared of the emotions that they would bring up and if I can handle it. I know I have to be strong because I have an amazing little boy that needs his mommy everyday. My husband works at least 80 hours a week and without any family around to support me I have to stay strong.
I look forward to the day I can see my precious baby again.

I cling to this poem below. When the days seem so tough sometimes I picture this poem and look forward to the day.

"They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye'
for us on this earth.
Sometimes it helps me to think of my child
running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and
butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what she is
doing that when she looks behind her, I'll already be there."
~Author Unknown

Friday, February 22, 2013

Basketball Season

I have been busy teaching group fitness classes ( I teach 8 a week), some personal training, chasing John Thomas around and trying to keep up with my husband's basketball season. John Thomas loves going to the basketball games this year. Last year was tough because he was so young but this year he enjoys watching "ball".  As soon as we pull into the basketball arena parking lot JT starts yelling "Dada Ball". Then as soon as we get in the arena he starts again "Dada Ball". We try to get to the game early enough that Tommy can take JT on the court before the game while the players are warming up. It is so cute. JT is the star of the show, all the players are so nice to him.

Trying to escape

So proud of himself :)

University of Dayton Basketball

 A special treat
 ( I'm pretty sure this is JT's first cookie)
 Just interested in the icing
Taking a toodler to a basketball game is work! I come prepared with the Ipad and snacks, we buy popcorn, makes trips up and down the stairs, look for Daddy and even watch a little ball.

Daddy at work

And the next day.....
 at the gym's childcare.
The Wednesday night games usually start at 7pm and by the time the game is over, we wait to see Daddy and get home it's after 10pm. I teach on Thursday's at 11am and my little man is exhausted. But it is all worth it.

John Thomas had his two year appt - weight 28lbs height 34 1/4. a little over 50th% in both. He is talking and trying to copy every word that comes out of your mouth :) of course his favorite words are - momma, dada, dee (for Kennedy) no and mine. He knows all the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse characters by name and Buzz, Woody and Hat. He believes Woody's hat is the third character.

I have also had two of my best friends come visit in the past month. Mandy, my best friend from Alabama, and Stephanie, my best friend from Arkansas, came a couple weeks later. They both enjoyed the freezing cold, snowy Ohio weather ;) I managed not to take a single picture during either visit. We had a blast and it was so nice to have friends visit me!! Especially while I am trying to heal from my miscarriage.

One final picture
Copying Mommy. I use the foam roller a lot and so does JT.
 I signed up for another marathon but training was adding stress to my life and making me feel overwhelmed so I have decided to only do the half and just enjoy it rather than stressing over the training for a full. I'm excited to travel to Nashville for the Country Music Marathon!